Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Revolution #1

Do you ever get tired of hiding?? I am not sure if I am hiding from myself, others, or perhaps God, but I'm one of those people who just adapt to my surroundings. Now I don't believe that is entirely wrong, however, I have lost myself over the course of my life and it's like I have to get to know myself again! That being said....how do you do that? Unfortuantely I deal with self-esteem issues that probably keep me from loving myself. Loving myself? That seems so bizzare to me.

My first revolution is to reveal who I really am. This means to quit hiding, or "blending". It also means to say how I feel, take care of myself, be myself. That's hard to do when you don't really know yourself. I've become so accustomed to pretending or maybe just coping. Don't get me wrong. I am a very genuine person, but I am so caught up into what people think of me that I just become what I think they want me to be. This doesn't happen with everything, I have my values, morals, beliefs and strong convictions, however, I still have a tendency to conform instead of being unique.

I have noticed lately that I am having less difficulty pulling away from the crowd. I think that I am finally taking my own defined path instead of trying to "please" everyone. Of'course I want what is best for my husband, children, parents, siblings, and so on, but I also know that trying to be a people pleaser is not the way to show love. People pleasing, I think, is more born out of fear. Not sure.
Anyhow, I think that I am ready to cut some of those strings, or probably chains that have been keeping me locked up inside myself. Maybe this is happening because I am just at my end with some situations in my life. But I think that it is important that I make some changes in my life.

I am going to commit to taking care of myself mentally, emotionaly, physically and spiritually. No excuses. I tend to think this is selfish. Like I have to justify it. Even typing it out felt strange to me.

I am going to commit to being myself. This means I am not going to be afraid to state my opinions, share my ideas, stand firm in what I believe.

I am going to commit to loving myself. This will be a hard one and will take some work on my part.

I am going to commit to my spiritual journey with God. This is the most important and should be at the top of this list because it will prepare and lay out my path.

I am going to commit to connecting with my past. It seems like my memories are so dull and cloudy. Almost like a dream. That seems strange to me. Is that how it is for most people??

Well, that is enough for now. I hope everyone had a nice weekend! I can't wait until thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Don't I wish. I'm looking for the yellow brick road to take me to the wizard who will hopefully send me back home, because I'm obviously living in an alternate reality. But the truth is I know I am dealing with things that lots of other people deal with on a daily basis, and worse. Do you ever get confused with how you are supposed to react or respond to family when you know that no matter what, it's gonna either come out wrong, be perceived wrong or in some instances, send you running for the hills for fear of losing your head? "Off with her head!" they'd say.

I have so many burning questions and the severe desire to just vomit my problems all over the web, but perhaps that wouldn't be the right way to go about sensitive situations. I have more of a need to free myself from burdens then to perhaps blab anything.

Some things seem so cut and dry, but when it comes down to action, or reaction, it just isn't that simple. How do you help people who don't want to help themselves? How do you love someone, but put up healthy boundaries at the same time? What about the innocent that are involved, do you just turn away? Is it correct to just mind my own business, watch people fall apart....for what? To say I told you so? No. I told you so isn't the point. The point is when they fall apart, I fall apart because I care about them. But at the same time, I pull away because it's in the best interest of some to keep some distance.

It's all very confusing.

BTW, my first revolution will be to reveal my true self! More on that later.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Happy Birthday Maia

Maia, it is your 9th birthday and despite the fact that I told you that you are not allowed to turn 9, you did, you stinker. But I guess I can't keep you from growing up. I see how sweet and caring you are and I hope that I can show you how much I appreciate your kind heart. You are a wonderful daughter and a caring sister. Just remember that you are still a little girl and I want you to enjoy your day without any worries. You are very loved!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Happy Birthday Zev

It's you're 4th birthday today and I am so proud of you. You give me joy, comfort and so much love. You are my little boy and I think the world of you. I know that I cannot protect you from everything in life but love is more powerful than anything I could ever build around you. I treasure every moment I spend with you. I love you buddy, Happy Birthday!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Revolution is here!

I spend entirely way too much time *thinking* and not enough time *doing*. It is a nasty little trap to be thinking so much that you have exhausted yourself entirely and you give up before you ever began.

I've got to turn things around and become more accomplished, if you will, at *doing*. For the next month I will be working on some "Revolutions," not to be confused with "resolutions." I have realized that I cannot resolve to do anything! Resolve just isn't enough anymore. I need to revolutionize the way I think, act, and react. I am going to have to declare war on many things in my life.

It is war! Excuse me while I take cover!

Saturday, November 1, 2008

My Family

These are my sweethearts. Maddy is the one on the left. She is 7 years old and has a great personality! She can be so chatty and even onery, but so sweet too. Zev will be 4 on Nov 16 and is a typical momma's boy. He says the funniest things! Maia is my oldest. She will be 9 on Nov 17th. She is much like myself, always trying to please everyone and make sure everything is going "just right." Hopefully I can teach her how to tame that! But they all have such sweet hearts. I am very proud of them and just wanted to share them with you! They are growing up so fast!!!